I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.