im six kinds of drunk right now
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
tell me about the eggs
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