she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I woke up under a house in Key West
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
