I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
