Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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