just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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