....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
