Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
