did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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