it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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