Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Can vaginas get frostbite?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
