My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
