i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
