There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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