Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
