he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Randomize
