I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
