She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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