i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
