dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
