Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
