I'm going to rape someone's good day.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
