I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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