I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
