I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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