She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
