I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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