Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
