you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
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