She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
