wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
