I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
i out mim tonsoeep
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
