i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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