Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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