i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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