Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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