so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
