Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
