Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
