I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
