I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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