What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
