gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
