Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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