I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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