I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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