Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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