I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
