So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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