her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It's not a walk of shame if you run
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
