yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Randomize
