I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
