I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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