im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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