i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
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