we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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