fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
