i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
