Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
