Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
