you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Randomize
