Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
