out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
